Let’s Watch the 1994 MTV Video Music Awards!

The best people in the world are those who upload hours’ worth of long-forgotten TV to YouTube. I’m talking about those beautiful archivists of the medium who held onto decades’ of tapes and converted them to digital so that nerds like me would never be without good background noise to work to. Blessed be to whoever gave us the entirety of Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments list or entire episodes of The Big Breakfast complete with the ads. If the corporations that own all of this stuff won’t let us access it otherwise, then it falls upon the true heroes of the online realm to provide. Amid a search for some entertainment to crossword to, I discovered a ton of editions of the MTV Video Music Awards. Of course I did an epic binge-watch, and now, you should join me.

I was not of the MTV generation. I was born in 1990 and we only sporadically had satellite TV throughout most of my youth. When we had consistent access to the channel in my teens, it had already begun the shift away from music and towards reality TV like The Hills. But even in its diminishing pre-social media state, the VMAs could still command attention. I was there for the Madonna/Britney kiss, the Kanye snatch, and the Lady Gaga bleeding out on stage. The VMAs were billed as the one night of the year where anything could happen and nobody could stop it. Everyone needed MTV as much as the network needed them, and you ended up with a hell of a lot of memorable performances. So, I thought it'd be fun to live-blog one edition that was available on YouTube. Feel free to sync up and read along. Let's take a flight back to 1994. Why? Why not!

The show opens with Lisa Marie Presley walking on stage, hand in hand, with her new husband, one Michael Jackson. I wrote about this kiss before, so I won’t go into it too much here, but the chances are you remember that smooch. The reception they received as they stood in front of the crowd was rapturous, as it often was for Jackson, even after the child molestation accusations. He’s really the one in charge of this moment, not Lisa Marie. She looks scared as hell, hiding just behind him. “And just think, nobody thought this would last,” he famously said before they embraced in a way that, let’s be honest, we all thought was odd. And then they walked off. That’s how the show began!

The curtains of Radio City Music Hall opened to reveal a line of Moulin Rouge-esque dancers in feathered skirts, with Roseanne Barr, our evening’s host, emerging in a fab burlesque black number. She’s, of course, loud and brash and immediately asked, “Which one of you bitches is sleeping with my ex?” The dancers then reveal themselves to be men in drag. It’s a very Roseanne moment but not very MTV, which I thought was interesting.

The first performance of the night: Aerosmith in full cock-strutting “Walk This Way” mode. No Run DMC, sadly. They were back in style thanks to Get a Grip and a series of music videos featuring Alicia Silverstone. They were nominated for three awards that night for "Cryin'", one of those Alicia vids.

After their performance, we get, essentially, the opening credits announcing the stars of the evening, and my friends, it is a smorgasbord of the era. I won’t spoil it here, but every name had me feeling like I was in a Stefon sketch from SNL! Roseanne is on fine form. She talks trash about her ex, Tom Arnold, is self-deprecating about her plastic surgery, and suitably snarky for 1994 MTV. We know what comes next, of course, and that sucks because you hear her cracking jokes about vibrators and rockstars using teen girls in their videos and remember that she used to be one of the best of her time. You can see why MTV asked her to host, even if she, by her own admission, was very un-MTV as a middle-aged plus-size woman with “white trash” leanings. It also used to be a very big deal to host this show, and Barr was at the peak of her sitcom prime.

She also takes a dig at Kennedy, one of the network’s VJs, saying she’s backstage giving Rush Limbaugh a blowjob. At the time, she was becoming as well known for her Republican leanings as her “alternative” music work on the channel. Don’t worry, Roseanne. You two will have a lot in common in a couple of decades.

Tom Jones is here to award Best Female Video. The tan is dark and so is the hair dye! He makes a joke about the showgirls from the opening being all over him. The winner is… Janet Jackson for “If”, which I think is one of her best videos (and best dance breaks). She walks on stage in dungarees and a baseball cap and her speech is very Janet-esque: gracious, rather quiet, and full of laughs as her fans interrupt her with cries of love.

AD BREAK: Shaq laments being a big man in a small world, but never fear because Pepsi makes a beverage large enough to satisfy him. Then there’s a pretty funny ad for MTV that parodies the cheesy up-with-people ads of the era, followed by one for Levi’s 501 jeans, Taco Bell, Blockbuster, and some car.

Back to the action and Roseanne, in a fetching blue velvet suit, introduces Boyz II Men, who are all in matching outfits and leaning seductively on stools as they sing “I’ll Make Love To You.” Remember when all boy bands did this? We used to be a society. Also, this song is a jam.

“She’s from Iceland, and he’s chillin’,” is how Roseanne introduces Björk and Coolio. This is another very VMAs thing: just pair up the weirdest two you can possibly imagine and see what happens. Björk speaks in Icelandic and Coolio “translates.” They’re presenting Best Dance Video, which features “100% Pure Love” (choreographed by Michael K. Williams!) and “Whatta Man.” The winner is… Salt-N-Pepa and En Vogue! Björk seems very excited by this, because she knows a great bop when she hears it.

The first jump scare of the night comes from, I shit you not, Mayor Rudy Giuliani. He and MTV hosts Bill Bellamy and Kennedy (the future Fox News correspondent), and there to welcome the show back to New York City and to encourage people to vote in the Viewer's Choice poll.

AD BREAK: A kid has a nightmare about not having cool clothes for school tomorrow. Oxy Sensitive is here to prevent acne breakouts. There’s a trailer for Jada Pinkett and Bokeeme Woodbine’s Jason’s Lyric. Cindy Crawford is advertising Pepsi, because the cola wars were serious business. A month without her favourite soft drink apparently turns her into Rodney Dangerfield.

More music, this time from The Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corgan has hair. I’m scared. They're singing "Disarm." I'll admit: I think "Tonight Tonight" is one of the most beautiful songs of the '90s, and its video might be one of the best ever made, but outside of that, I'm a smashing agnostic.

Adam Sandler is here with Sandra Bullock for Best Video from a Film. She was in Speed. He’s annoying. I could go on an entire tangent about how I think Sandler is just too emblematic of a particular kind of American comedy for me to ever warm to him, but that’s a piece for another day. Their bit drags on too long. The winner is… Bruce Springsteen for “Streets of Philadelphia”. In a reminder of just how big a deal the VMAs actually were, The Boss is there in person to pick up his Moonman. His shirt is unbuttoned to his navel because damn yes it is. This was also his goatee phase, which I’m less fond of.

Hi, Bevis and Butthead, live in the audience. They were also just a bit too ahead of my time, but I was a committed Daria nerd. Still am, to be honest.

AD BREAK: Meryl Streep and David Strathairn’s dinghy gets hijacked by an evil Kevin Bacon in The River Wild. A cool dude escapes his family reunion to eat a Twix. More hot men in 501 Jeans. There’s an ad for Nikes featuring William S. Burroughs?! How much running and weight-lifting was he doing in between heroin binges and writing Naked Lunch?

Natalie Merchant is here with Soundgarden's Kim Thayll and Chris Cornell for the Breakthrough Video award. It's Spike Jonze versus Michel Gondry, Tarsem Singh, Jake Scott, and Mark Romanek. Truly, five of the most important voices in the medium. They are MTV in so many ways. The winner is... Jake Scott, for the video to "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. You can't get mad at that, even if it did beat "Sabotage" and "Closer." All of those videos are 100% imprinted on your brains. Even Michael Stipe admits they all "kick butt."

The publisher of Rolling Stone, Jann Wenner, turns up in a suit to present the Lifetime Achievement Award to “the greatest rock band in the world”, the Rolling Stones. Get it? “The endurance of these people is amazing. What are these people taking? Where can I buy some?” He asks. Is it cocaine? Because I think it was cocaine. It does seem very early in the evening for a lifetime achievement award, but I suppose they didn’t want to keep these guys in the room for too long. They had, like, 400 concerts to perform that year on their world tour.

AD BREAK: The Eagles: Hell Freezes Over gets a plug. It would freeze over a few more times over the decades whenever the need for money demanded it. Pepsi reunites some of the Woodstock generation, now old and Yuppie-esque, including Jefferson Airplane, so that the kids can mock them. There’s a super creepy advert for a mega-church where prayer apparently leads to God pulling a kid out of the way of a car crash.

Now we get to hear the Rolling Stones perform. It is amazing how little Keith Richards has changed over the decades. He seems to have been very well preserved by all that coc… good clean living. They give us the old one-two of "Love is Strong,"  one of their newest songs at the time, and "Start Me Up." Mick is dressed like Willy Wonka the New Orleans mystic. They do know how to put on a show.

The next weird pairing: Melissa Etheridge and Brendan Fraser. They both look fabulous, though. True story: I was front row for a screening of Rental Family last year at TIFF, and Fraser appeared with the director, Hikari, and he is very tall and charming, and he’s still got it. Bring on The Mummy reunion, dammit. Best New Artist in a Video is a battle between Beck (for “Loser”), Björk, Counting Crowd, Green Day, Lisa Loeb, and Me'Shell NdegéOcello. And the winner is... Counting Crows? For "Mr. Jones"? Over "Human Behaviour"? Look, nobody ever accused MTV of being a democracy.

Daisy Fuentes is here with Mark Messier, captain of the New York Rangers and recent winner of the Stanley Cup. Boo. Go Leafs Go. He tries to get a kiss out of Daisy, and she shuts that down. Good girl. Best Direction in a Video! The nominees are: Marty Callner for Aerosmith's "Amazing," Spike Jonze for "Sabotage", Tarsem Singh for "Sweet Lullaby" by Deep Forest, and Jake Scott for "Everybody Hurts." Again, the winner is... R.E.M. Again, iconic and gorgeous video, but I’m also going to spoil things for you: “Sabotage” by Beastie Boys, one of the best videos of the decade and one of Spike Jonze’s crowning achievements, goes home empty-handed. I know the competition is tough, but still!

AD BREAK: There’s a gross ad for a cartoon called The Brothers Grunt which is about a group of aliens looking for their brother on planet Earth, but they keep getting distracted by stuff like cheese and pulling one another's nipples. Wikipedia informs me that it's on the list of the worst animated TV shows ever made. It didn't pique my interest, admittedly.

Roseanne introduces the speedy compilation of winners for the tech awards: love for Nirvana's "Heart Shaped Box", the choreography of "Whatta Man", the cinematography of "Everybody Hurts", and the special effects for "Kiss That Frog", a very PS1-era CGI frenzy with Peter Gabriel.

Naomi Campbell’s been paired up with Denis O’Leary for the Best Metal/Hard Rock Video award, with O’Leary declaring that we all know that Aerosmith is going to win. Sorry, Dennis, because the winner is actually... Soundgarden for "Black Hole Sun", another of the era's most defining videos. And one I'm still scared of. Chris Cornell says sorry to Aerosmith and wonders if “Black Hole Sun” is a metal song. True story: the video’s director, Howard Greenhalgh, also made the videos for Placebo's "Nancy Boy", "Plug In Baby" by Muse, and "Goodbye" by The Spice Girls. That's range, babes.

Green Day are up, singing “Armatage Shanks.” Bless, they all look SO young! My dad was extremely addicted to American Idiot when it came out and listened to it pretty much constantly whenever we went on car journeys for about 18 months. It was replaced by My Chemical Romance and The Black Parade. And then the stage spins around to reveal The Beastie Boys! It’s “Sabotage!”

AD BREAK: A live-action drama called Dead at 21 that looks like a full-motion video game for Sega Saturn; an action movie with Jean Claude Van Damme called Timecop, and yes, he does the splits in the trailer; and a very earnest ad for a tyre company. Honestly, one of the reasons I love these full uninterrupted broadcasts is because I get the chance to see the local ads, like ones for lawyers. Shout out to the Texan who uploaded the video and shout out to the moustachioed men offering their services.

Billy Corgan reads off a cue card as he presents the Video Vanguard Award to the legendary Tom Petty. A worthy choice. I’m still incredibly sad that I never got to see him live before he passed away. His speech is humble and wry and again, I miss Tom Petty. “It’s nice to be noticed,” he says before thanking everyone.

Roseanne takes a moment to embarrass “the four most beautiful people in the world,” her kids, before introducing Chuck D and Flava Flav of Public Enemy. Flavor of Love is a few years away, don’t worry. Chuck D declares, "Free Geronimo Pratt", a Black Panther member who was charged with murder despite a ton of evidence to the contrary. His conviction was vacated three years after this show. For Best Rap Video, it’s Coolio, Cypress Hill (sans London Symphony Orchestra), Dr. Dre, and Snoop Doggy Dogg. Flava fools around for a bit before declaring the winner… Snoop Doggy Dogg for “Doggy Dogg World.” He thanks God, Death Row, Dr. Dre, and everyone helping with his new album. Remember, it was only a year prior that he had been charged with first-degree murder. He wouldn't be fully acquitted until 1996.

AD BREAK: More groovy car ads; a trailer for Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, his meta-sequel to A Nightmare on Elm Street that was incredibly ahead of its time; Shaq almost killing a child with a basketball in the name of Pepsi and Reebok; a really artsy and disturbing PSA from MTV on domestic violence that feels like it could have come out of a Mark Romanek video.

Lisa Loeb and Ben Stiller are here for the Reality Bites fans and the Best Group Video category. This one goes to Aerosmith for “Cryin’”, and I really feel like Alicia Silverstone should have gotten a Moonman for her troubles.

Roseanne introduces the "commie bastards" that are the Leningrad Cowboys and the Alexandrov Red Army Ensemble. They perform, predictably, "Sweet Home Alabama." You've got a Finnish band that goes rock and roll covers while dressed like cartoonish versions of rockabillies, and a literal army choir in full regalia. It's honestly great fun, deeply irony-laden, and the kind of thing that could have only happened on MTV in the mid-'90s.

There’s a brief montage of awards from MTV’s international channels, Stephen Dorff, with very ‘90s floppy blonde hair, informs us that the ceremony is being watched by over 250 million people in over 50 countries. So, to celebrate the rest of the world, we get to hear from some worldwide VJs who shout out Sepultura, Take That, Hide, and Los Fabulosos Cadillacs. Come on, Europe. We picked Take That over The Cranberries and U2's "Stay (Faraway, So Close!")?

Bevis and Butthead hang out with David Letterman before another AD BREAK. No amount of hot people can make me believe that Miller Genuine Draft is a good beer. More Taco Bell and Levi’s, and then a trailer for The Jon Stewart Show. He sits around a table with some old ladies playing what seems to be strip poker. Another Texas-specific ad, this one for Six Flags, then one for a vintage train ride to Houston, which does look gorgeous.

Salt-in-Pepa are here for the ladies, and a compilation of four of their biggest hits, with "Push It" featuring a few bars of "Whoop, There It Is." They're the first women performing on stage all damn night. and they'll be the last. Sorry. But they make the most of it, with some gorgeous dancers, latex outfits, and classic rump shaking. That's how you push it real good, after all.

Tony and Toni are here for Best Alternative Video. That's Tony Bennett and Toni Braxton. The winner is... Nirvana with "Heart Shaped Box." Kurt Cobain had died only five months prior. The breaking of that news by Kurt Loder remains one of the most impactful moments in MTV history. The surviving band members, Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic get on stage, and you can sense the pain and awkwardness from them both. They keep it short and sweet and get off stage quickly. Can you blame them? It's one hell of a tonal shift to deal with, so maybe the cut to another AD BREAK was the only way to go.

One of the ads features Melissa Etheridge promoting safe sex for AIDS prevention. I haven’t noted this yet but pretty much every single person on stage has worn a red ribbon for AIDS awareness. It’s only been about three years since Freddie Mercury died. Eazy E will pass away the following year. The music industry was hit hard by the disease, and MTV and many of its biggest stars, like Madonna, did the ground work in combating the stigma. They did way more than the fucking governments of the time.

Time for the Video Vanguard Award winner to perform. Tom Petty sings “Mary Jane’s Last Dance,” the video of which featured Petty obsessing over a dead Kim Basinger.

Kennedy and Bill Bellamy return, with Kennedy responding to Roseanne with, admittedly, a great joke. “He said, I have to concede to Roseanne, he said that she gives a much better blowjob, so the Prozac’s working.” Ladies, you’re both terrible now. Anyhoo, they present the Viewer’s Choice Award to Aerosmith.

Cindy Crawford and Jon Stewart are here for Best R&B Video. "One's a model and the other one's full size", Roseanne quips. Cindy makes a short joke. Jon jokes about spanking. R. Kelly is nominated for "Bump n' Grind." Mercifully, Salt-n-Pepa win, which gives them a chance to thank all the people they forgot the first time around.

A full church choir is on stage now, with mourners walking past a coffin as a preacher gives a sermon. Then Snoop Doggy Dogg starts rapping "Murder Was the Case", wheeled out on to the stage. It's easy to forget now that he's a granddad who will shill for anything and everything, but once upon a time, Snoop was one of the most charismatic performers in rap. This number is utterly magnetic, a reminder of why he was both so enthralling and threatening to the pop mainstream. He made rap threatening again.

AD BREAK: More of the same, but also a Miller Lite Ice ad with Angie Harmon and Sam Rockwell!?

Queen Latifah gives a Peace Out to the “female rockers and rappers that are rippin’ it out here” before presenting Best Male Video to Tom Petty.

Roseanne switches into a hot pink and feathery number as she introduces Stone Temple Pilots, who sing an acoustic number, "Pretty Penny." The sheer range of musical genres we've gotten all night has been impressive, and not something I really associate with the VMAs of the mid-2000s to today.

Krist Novoselic introduces a very moving video tribute to Kurt Cobain, that got a few tears out of me. It’s an impressionistic montage that really captures the mood of Cobain’s voice and lyrics, as well as his unique charisma and moments of humour. I can’t believe it’s been 32 years.

Another break and then Bruce Springsteen performs “Streets of Philadelphia.”

Another big reunion of the night. It’s David Letterman and Madonna! Notoriously, Madonna had appeared on The Late Show five months earlier and let it rip with the profanities. She said the word "fuck" fourteen times and revelled in innuendo while engaging in a semi-playful back-and-forth with Letterman that ended with her refusing to leave the set. She called it an attempt to push back against network censorship, as inspired by her Erotica album and Sex book, and that she was feeling "very gangsta" because she was dating Tupac at the time. Others said she’d “gone too far”, which they’d claimed she’d done about 17 times by this point.

The crowd went wild as they walked on stage together, holding hands, with Letterman smiling as Madonna said, “And you thought we wouldn’t last.” He then kisses her hand and says, “I’ll be in the car. Watch your language.” “Bye, daddy.” She then presents Video of the Year solo. It goes to Aerosmith. No, there weren’t any women nominated.

And that’s the show! The end credits roll and everyone tries to get out of Radio City as quickly as possible while “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails plays (only nominated for two awards, by the way.) Backstage, Roseanne hangs out with the Russian choir and has a toast. Then there’s a post-credits joke with the cast of Roseanne watching the show! “She’s her own walking soap opera,” declares Laurie Metcalf. “She’s supposed to be a real bitch,” Sara Gilbert jokes. “you are all so fucking fired,” Roseanne says, and now the curtain goes down. Well, actually not, because then it’s the afterparty. I’ll leave that for another time.

This was such a throwback to a time I was too young to fully appreciate. The randomness and attitude of it all just feels so 1994 in a way that I’m not sure I have any right to explain. The winners and nominees also feel very deserving. Obviously, the passage of time helps here because we know that so many of these videos are now stone-cold classics. Still, they feel vibrant and worth the notion of a “best music video award” way more so than the past decade or so of choices. The music video just doesn’t mean what it once was, and neither does MTV. Last year’s winner was Ariana Grande, not because it was a great video but because she turned up. No offence intended, but this is not a must-attend event in the way it was in 1994. Seriously: Tom Petty! Nirvana! R.E.M.! Salt-N-Pepa! Green Day! Snoop Dogg! Springsteen! How would you ever get a line-up like this again outside of Taylor Swift’s wedding?

There are a ton of other VMA ceremonies on YouTube as well as other specials and awards shows, so if you enjoyed this and would like me to recap another one, let me know. Perhaps we can set up a group watch one night. Things only get weirder from here, friends!